love, actually

8th November 2009

Text

And these words that I'll never say

I know I’m sorry about what happened yesterday, but I keep asking myself whether or not I regret it. That’s the first time I’ve been close enough to firm and I know that I couldn’t have done it without my precious girlfriends around me.

But I keep wondering whether it’s too much. Whether I betrayed his trust in me. Whether I overly disappointed him. I’m hoping I didn’t, and though I feel that he’s forgiven me, I really don’t know.

I guess I haven’t forgiven myself?

I’m looking forward to these next 4-6 weeks for reasons that I should not be. Because better than anything else, it’s a good enough reason to go MIA from the world around me, and just take a step back from all the craziness (that’s negative) that’s been going on around.

I want to take a break from them, from him, from everyone.

I know I owe so many people so many apologies cause I’ve been blowing off people like nobody’s business and I’ve been hardly keeping in touch with those who really mean the world to me. But nonetheless, I’m really sorry to so many of you.

Darren, I know I haven’t been a good bestfriend to you of late. And I’m so utterly sorry for that. I hope you still come here often and you still read here, but my life’s been so messed up and so screwed of late I’ve stopped turning to anyone for help anymore. I feel so incredibly guilty for the way I’ve been treating you and I want you to know you don’t deserve it. But life’s nuts, and I’m going nuts too trying to deal with everything, and though that’s a damn lousy excuse, I’m sorry still. But I need the time away from people and away from everything to just breathe. I’m so happy and so proud of you for the whole TPRawks! thing, and I’m sure you’ll make an amazing PL, and I’m still praying that you make it thru’ as a GL. (: Do me proud in living up the TP passion and spirit that I’ve left behind.

I’m gonna go AWOL for the next 4 weeks at least, and I might be changing my tumblr URL for privacy purposes. Please understand (those of you who know me and read here) because I need the time to calm down and find myself again. I swear, and not to be dramatic, that I feel like on the verge of doing something totally reckless to myself, and I know that any last straw would push me over the edge. And in any event if I don’t reply your messages or answer your phone calls, please don’t be angry. You guys will always be my friends. (:

To you, I don’t know how to tell you this. And I don’t know whether you’ll ever learn to realise it for yourself. But all this is so much harder for me, and so much more magnified because of what you’re doing to me. I don’t know whether what happened yesterday meant the end of us or what, but it was a definite change of course for me. I’m not asking for much of you, just that I want you to want to spend time with me on your own terms, and just because. I don’t want it to be because of assignments, because I asked you to, or whatever else it is. I need that from you, that feeling that you wanna be my friend because you wanna be my friend. Not because I’m useful to you, or because I do your damn assignments, or I help you out in giving you advice. Because that’s how I feel about you. I want to spend time with you for you, and if you take away everything you’ve helped me with or done for me, nothing much would change. That’s because I love you for you, and that’s all that matters to me. I know you probably won’t ever read this, but a part of me hopes, nevertheless.

There are still tonnes of ways to reach me, if you try hard enough. Because right now, I’m gonna take a break from caring.

God bless all of you, really.

7th November 2009

Text reblogged from More than just a pretty face; with 173 notes

You know when we fight and hang up, and you don't call me back, that hurts me the most because it makes me wonder; if we were to be fighting face to face, would you just let me go when I walk away?

(via runawaytrain)